DISASTROUS!

Disclaimer: This post is definitely not suited for anyone sensitive to crude language. Also, it is rated R–Nicole, Taylor & Kirky, do not read this (even though I know you probably will anyway, despite this warning, you silly children). I apologize in advance for all the cursing. Children, don’t follow in my footsteps!!

I went on a blind date. YES, ERIKA WENT ON A BLIND DATE.

His name is Mike. He said that he found me appealing because I am “fairly nerdy and that’s a huge plus!” HE EVEN ENDED THAT SENTENCE WITH AN EMOTICON. I’m sorry but I only have a max of FOUR smiley faces I use online and they are: :\ (and i’ll substitute = for : sometimes). Anything beyond that.. well, if you’re not a friend and your geekiness is not already apparent to me, then I don’t know what to say.. it’s probably nothing good, though. That was STRIKE #1. And anyway, I know software engineers get a bad rap for being so nerdy but, I mean, come on.. since when have I been praised for being NERDY?? I know I have some nerd-like tendencies but for the most part, I’m a pretty cool person if I do say so myself. Regardless, STRIKE #1.5.

Mike mentioned that he was hesitant about sending me a photo because he is a “semi well known person” and he’d explain this if I were to agree to meet with him but assured me he is “above average in attraciveness.” Okay, if you know me, you know that I am a celebrity FANATIC. My first thought was “HOLY SHIT, MAYBE HE WAS ON SURVIVOR?!?!?!!!” I was very intrigued so I told him sure, let’s meet! (I normally don’t go around meeting people I don’t know so parents, don’t get worried!)

We were supposed to meet on the Tuesday after Labor Day but at work, I started to feel a bit uneasy about everything so I planned on canceling last minute (I know, so considerate). I expected his call around 6 pm and I texted him a few minutes before, “Hey, I can’t make it tonight. Maybe I’ll contact you later this week.” KEYWORD: MAYBE! Anyway, it all failed (obviously) because he called me (I ignored it) and left me a voicemail, in which I found his phone voice to be very.. attractive. I know, weird, whatever. So then I texted him and asked to reschedule for later during the week but we both had prior commitments on every other day of the week except for Tuesday, so our original plan to meet was still in effect.

Unfortunately, I had made the mistake of accidentally using my emergency excuse on the phone while making plans. Also, while on the phone, he asked me why I couldn’t meet at 8 pm (STRIKE #2).. um, Mike, I know you’re VIP and all but it’s certainly none of your business. He also told me was in between jobs right now (STRIKE #3). Who says that kind of thing to a blind date BEFORE YOU EVEN MEET?!?!!! WHY SAY IT AT ALL?!

We planned to meet in front of the subway station nearby. When I first saw him.. oh. my. god. I wanted to turn around. Okay, so he did send me a picture and I didn’t find him attractive then but I was hoping that, you know, he just doesn’t photograph well. HAHA, I was so disillusioned. Yea, I’m shallow.. at least I’ll admit it. Whatever. Moving on.

Greetings went a little like this:
E: *puts out hand to shake* Hey, I’m Erika. Nice to meet you.
M: Hi I’m Mike. *ignores the hand and proceeds to give me an awkward hug*
E: Uh.. oh.. okay? *THIS WAS SAID DURING THE HUG, BY THE WAY*
M: So, what do you want to do?

WHAT THE HELL? YOU planned the date. I agreed to see you. YOU DIDN’T PLAN ANYTHING? STRIKE #4!!! He could’ve researched the area a bit, you know, yelp places nearby. What an IDIOT.

While we were walking around looking for a restaurant with outdoor seating, he started to tell me about some play he was thinking about writing. I did not at all find it interesting and I knew he could tell. When he asked me what my thoughts were, I politely chuckled and said “Well, if creative writing is your thing, you should do it.” He asked me if I would watch it and I said “Probably not.” Hahahaha. I wasn’t trying to be a bitch, I was just being honest.

We settled on Madison Square Park since 1) it’s a public spot, 2) there was food nearby if he wanted to eat and 3), I could easily run and lose him if I fancied.

And then the fucking interrogation began. A sample of his questions:
- Who would win in a staring–no, SMILING contest? (to which I responded I would lose. When he remarked that I hadn’t laughed in the past 3 minutes, I made a lame attempt at chuckling and announced him as the victor)
- What’s the most offensive thing you’ve said in the past 2 weeks?
- What don’t you like about yourself?
- What do you like about me, besides the fact that I’m so hot? (AND HE’S NOT. STRIKE #5)

He didn’t even ask me why I moved to NY from CA! I’ve never been on a blind date before but, I mean, doesn’t that belong in the STANDARD SET OF QUESTIONS you ask someone when you first meet them??

Oh, about the whole “semi well known” status. I asked him about this right off the bat once we got to Madison Square. He prefaced the story with the following question:

“Are you familiar with magic cards?”

WHAT. THE. MOTHER. FUCK.

For those of you who are not familiar, “Magic: The Gathering” cards are definitively GEEKY. The only people I know who play them with pride on a Friday or Saturday night among fellow geeks are.. oh my god, they’re just all bad. Just google it and trust me when I say it’s a geek thing. (Let it be known I have never in my life even seen a magic card)

I nodded my head slowly but felt like running away. Fuck the number of strikes, I thought, he’s probably never set foot in ANY sports arena ever. Get me out of here!

M: Well, I started an internet rumor about magic cards. *waits for my response*
E: *crickets* *doesn’t even blink*
M: I wrote in some forum that the ink fades after 15 years so the cards are pretty much worthless. *laughs*
E: *more crickets*
M: Yea, it’s a lot of work keeping up with an internet rumor.
E: I’m sure it is.
M: *suddenly delighted* You know this because you’ve started one before, haven’t you!!
E: Um, no, I actually have things to do.
M: I started this other internet rumor too..
E: *stops listening, starts zoning out*

Throughout the entire hour and a half of TREACHEROUS MISERY, he kept saying how I must think he’s really attractive and hot. Dude? You’re a 2 at best. If I was completely WASTED and you were the ONLY guy at a bar, I STILL wouldn’t approach you; I’d probably go home. THAT’S how attractive I find you. Beer goggles don’t even help!!!!

By the fourth or fifth time he mentioned this, I was so tired of his blatant lies that I called him out on it:
E: Do you really think you’re that hot?
M: Do you?
E: *crickets*
M: What makes you think this isn’t a gimmick?
E: Well, is it?
M: What do you think?
E: I don’t know.

Besides being incredibly conceited and arrogant, he talked about his ex-girlfriend the entire time. He also mentioned how he is really cheap. PLEASE, SOMEONE GET THIS DUMBASS A GUIDE TO FIRST DATES.

I decided very early on that I was going to be completely honest in answering his questions.
M: Tell me something about me that you don’t like.
E: You don’t want me to do that..
M: Why not?
E: Um, because I’ll make you cry.
M: No you won’t.
E: *completely serious* Yes. Yes I will.

About 10 minutes later, he revisited this topic and asked me HOW I’d make him cry. He had given me so much material already but if he continued to ask, I probably would’ve talked about his “semi well-known” status and branched off from there. BUT I DIDN’T! I didn’t say anything TOO mean, promise.

M: What 3 things would you say about me? (He had asked me this several times and I was growing tired of it so I finally answered)
E: You’re arrogant, you’re trying REALLY hard to impress me.. and your beard needs a trim.
M: WOW, YOU’RE REALLY HONEST! You know, you’ve impressed me tonight. You’re so tough.. and confident.. and fierce.. and FUNNY! And you look really good.
E: I know.

HAHAHAHAHAH. WHAT THE FUCK, I’M FIERCE??? The ENTIRE time, I was leaning back in my chair and looking at him straight in the eyes. I guess I was pretty confident but I mean.. come on.. next to Mr. Internet Rumor, what else can you be?

Anyway, I was trying to think of an excuse to leave but I figured there’s no better than the truth:
E: Okay Mike, I have to go now.
M: Wait, but I want to ask you one more question! (Yes, that’s all the date consisted of–question after question after question. And they weren’t even interesting!!!)
E: Okay, but I have to go after.
M: Alright. Why haven’t you asked me more questions????
E: That’s seriously your last question?????!
M: Yes!
E: Uh, I asked you how you liked it in Pennsylvania and whether or not you had siblings.
M: Yea, but those are FACTUAL questions.
E: Okay? Well, I gotta go. The subway is that way *I accidentally pointed in the wrong direction*

He walked me to the street light anyway. Whatever. When I said bye, I extended my hand again and GUESS WHAT! Motherfucker HUGGED me. UGH. I don’t even LIKE hugs most of the time. Get the fuck off me! It was one of those long hugs that I (SWEAR TO GOD) tried to get out of but the asshole was, like, sniffing my hair or something. WHAT A FREAK.

M: Keep in touch!
E: BYE!

Hahahahahahahahaha. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my first blind date. He hasn’t contacted me since, thank goodness, but he is listed in my phone as “Mike DON’T EVER RESPOND.”

Oh, and by the way, he brought A BOARD GAME. WHO THE FUCK BRINGS A BOARD GAME TO A FIRST DATE? OH MY GOD.